The Idle Life of Brian
by Wingurend
Summary: Brian has to get a job when financial woes falls upon the Griffin house


THE IDLE LIFE OF BRIAN

Brian is alone in the Griffin living-room. He's sitting on the couch reading a book.

The book doesn't catch his interest so he puts it down with a sigh and begins to drum his fingers on the armrest.

Still bored, he picks up the remotecontrol and turns on the TV, where an upbeat announcer advertises the upcoming program.

-Next up is: _Gay hand on a Straight man._ Our new lifestyle show written, created, produced and conceptualized for TV by Seth MacFarlane.

And now ladies and gentlemen; Please give a warm welcome to your host Seth MacFarlane and the MacFarlane dancers!-

Brian turns off the TV. -Bah! You have to be Mother Theresa to see anything good in daytime television.-

Lois walks past carrying a basket full of dirty laundry. Brian gets up from the couch and follows her to the top of the stairs, where he waits and watches her disappear into the basement.

Once he's certain she's started the machine, he sneaks upstairs to Chris's room.

The room lies empty so Brian goes to give the closet door a coded knocking.

The evil monkey opens the closet door pointing, but calms down when he realizes who it is. -Oh hi Brian. What do you need today?-

Brian explains he's bored and that a joint might just be the cure.

The evil monkey reach back into the closet and produces an old cigar box.

He picks out a joint and hands it to Brian. -Here you go … You know, I've never really thanked you properly for letting me crash here.-

Brian accepts the joint and stick it into his fur. -Don't mention it man. This works out for both of us. You have a place to stay until you've finished your doctorate and I don't have to worry about the fat kid getting into my stash.-

The evil monkey closes the door and Brian sneaks out into the hallway, where he pulls down the attic-ladder.

He climbs up and retracts the ladder behind him.

Brian have furnished himself quite a little den in the attic and goes to lie down in a hammock he's suspended between two wooden pillars.

He lights up the joint while gently swinging the hammock.

Brian is awoken by the sound of a distant cowbell and Peter screaming _family meeting_ over and over. He gets out of the hammock and walks downstairs to find everyone gathered around the kitchen table.

Peter sees Brian arrive and places the giant, golden, cowbell he's holding on the tabletop.

Peter looks serious as he pulls out two colored envelopes. -I have here two speeches, one green and one yellow. One will completely destroy my deceased father's reputation and the other will actually explain why I called for this meeting. It's now up to you to choose witch one I shall read.- he said waving the envelopes in the air.

The family unanimously opts to go with the relevant speech, why Peter rips open the green envelope and begins his opening statement.

-Dear family, I'm going to jump right into it the matter at hand. No beating around the bush or sticking our tail between the legs, No sir. We'll look the..-

-Peter!- Lois yelled, to move the speech along.

Her outburst gets Peter back on track.

-The thing is; we're having financial troubles, the worst kind of trouble there is.-

-I don't know about that.- Lois interjected. -We are all in good health and that's what really matters.-

Peter puts a hand behind his one ear and leans toward Lois.

-I'm sorry, did the gazillionaires daughter say anything?-

Lois sulks as Peter continues.

-This family's spending on things like dried pig-ears, lip-chap and comic-magazines is bringing us down. Long story short; someone around here aren't pulling their weight and everyone has to contribute, if we're not to go bankrupt.-

Brian looks a bit insulted and challenges Peter.

-So let me see if I've got this right. We are in financial dire and you go out and by a solid gold cowbell to tell us?-

Now it's Peters turn to look insulted. -I got an eight-hundred dollars discount on that purchase Brian. That means I've already saved this family eight-hundred dollars.

What have you done?-

Peter does not wait for a reply and goes on to explain how they can all do theirs to remedy the situation.

-We need to increase the household income and everyone has to chip in.

I already have a job. And so does your mother, I've been explained, so that leaves you lot. Questions?-

Brian feels that maybe Peter left out parts of the reasons to their woes.

-What about the insane machinery you've bought over the years?-

Peter-mobiles, exoskeletons, and my personal favorite; a car the salesman swore could run on dirty words.-

Peter remains stoic. Well, Brian. First of all; shut up. You too Meg. Secondly; we're not her to assign blame. If we we're, I would have started by blaming Lois for that affair she had shortly before Meg was born.-

Cutaway to Lois dancing with the beast from Beauty & the Beast.

Back in the kitchen, Meg's looking pretty shocked. -That's not right, is it mom?-

Lois tries to duck the question. -Well, honey...-

But Peter knew how to settle the dispute. -Try take of you hat sweetheart. The answer is right there.- he said, fully aware this was a good way to direct the spotlight away from himself.

Meg reluctantly removes her hat and a set of small horns is revealed. She touches the horns and cries out in despair. -Oh no, I'm a monster!-

-Told you so!- Peter exclaimed triumphant. -Unfortunately, they conceived before he was turned back into a prince. So there's a piece of bad luck for ya.-

Peter ends the meeting and Brian turns to Stewie. -So what's your plan to raise money?-

-Well, I _was_ going to mine for Bit-coins. But now I'm thinking about putting Meg up for display at a touring freak-show.- Stewie replied with a hungry stare at his crying sister.

…

Stewie is working on his computer when Brian enters the room and greets him a little to hearty. -Hi Stewie, my main man. What are you doing?-

-Let me guess.- Stewie replied without looking up from the screen. -You don't know how to get paid and now you've come to pester me for ideas ... In the ballpark?-

Brian looks shocked and offended. -No! … No … Well, yes.- he says and begins to hoover around the room. -So can you help?-

-Of cause I can- Stewie replied and began to manipulate the keyboard. What are your talents?-

The question hits Brian like a curveball. -Well ... I have a way with words.-

Stewie suddenly lights up. -Oh, this could be you.-

-What is it?- Brian asked, tail wagging.

Stewie puts on his reading glasses.

-They've just started casting for the movie Snow dogs 2. So as long as you're comfortable with Cuba Gooding Jr peeping at your ass, that might be something.

Mind you; you'll be right there in front of him, pulling the sledge.-

Brian isn't sold. -Sounds a bit funky. What else do you have?-

Stewie scrolls down and finds another appropriate job for a dog. -There's a position with the city council's pest control. Apparently they're using dogs to hunt rats now.-

Brian looks anything but happy. -So I would have to bite them?- he asks disgusted.

-Yes Brian. It's not like they're going to give you a gun.-Stewie replies with a tired voice.

-No thanks then. What else?-

Stewie is getting fed up with his friends arrogance and nay-saying. -You know what your problem is Brian? You're idle to the bone. That's your problem.-

Brian appears a little insulted over the comment. -I prefer to think I'm a creature of pure intellect.- he mumbled defensively.

-Yeah, you're a creature all right.- Stewie, mocked.

-Luckily there's a third option that doesn't require you to expose neither your anus, nor canines.-

Brian is all ears. -You got my attention.-

-Brian, have you ever heard of Youtube?-

-Isn't that the channel with the flying saucers and people getting hurt?-

Stewie has to agree. -Yes, mostly.- he said and padded the seat beside him.

-Come, sit here and I'll show you something that may interest you.-

Brian takes the seat and Stewie starts the player.

We hear sexual moaning and a look of surprise glides over Brian's face. -You want me to make porn?!-

Stewie closes the player. -Oops, wrong tube … Here we go.-

-I'm not sure what I'm looking at here.- Brian said with his eyes pinched. -All I see is a kid running around with a big bubble of snot hanging from his nose.-

-Well, Bri. Then you aren't looking close enough. That snot-nose kid netted six million dollars on that vid last year. So yeah. That might be something to consider.-

The information makes Brian's jaw drop. -Six million dollars for that garbage? I hope you're kidding.-

-I wish I was. But such is the world we live in today.- Stewie replied, sounding like the old man he wasn't.

Brian doesn't need time to consider anything and begins to ramble like the whole thing was his idea. -We can make crap like that! Where do we start? Do you have a camera?-

…

It's early morning when Stewie and Brian steps out the Griffin front door.

Stewie carries a Go-Pro camera around his neck.

Brian sucks down a lungful morning air and exclaims. -Ok Stewie. Let's go out into the world and catch it's little quirks on film.-

Stewie follows Brian to the sidewalk.

-It' not really film, but whatever. I just hope we'll find something worth our time in this one-donkey town.-

Peter is in the background, screaming profanities into the open gas cap of a car parked on the Griffin lawn.

Brian and Stewie walks down the street as the sun fast forwards across the sky and shadows changes accordingly.

They pass Cleveland's house when a sinkhole suddenly opens and swallows a corner portion of the house, causing Cleveland to slide down into the hole sitting in his bathtub.

-No-no-no! Not a racist sinkhole!-

They walk past Quagmire's house, where a gimp is mowing the lawn.

They walk to the center of town and passes by the pharmacy just as Greased-up-deaf-guy comes running out of the store with a broom-wielding Mort in hot pursuit.

They walk past a cafe where Meg, in a headscarf and rags, are unsuccessfully trying to sell roses to the outdoors guests.

They walk past Tom Tucker and his son Jake with the upside down face

They walk past Chris, who's sitting on the sidewalk panhandling. He's holding a sign reading: _Victim of the human condition_.

They walk past the park, where Mayor West is roller-skating wearing nothing but a pair of yellow Speedos.

Stewie and Brian are exhausted and sits down on a park bench. -Well, you called it.- Stewie said defeated. -Not a single interesting thing ever happens in Quahog.-

Brian nods with a solemn look on his face.

-Yeah that was a spectacular waist of time. But it did make me realize what a pampered life I've been living and that I have have to stop trying to cut corners and take responsibility.-

Stewie looks frightened. -Brian I've never heard you talk like this. You're scaring me.-

Brian gets up from the bench. -Goodbye Stewie.- he said with newfound pride in his voice.

-Where you going?!- Stewie yelled, almost crying.

Brian's reply shocked Stewie to the core and made him question how well he really knew his friend.

-I'm going to get a job.- he said and walked away with a spring in every step.

…

Peter, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland are hanging out in the Clam.

They're drinking in silence, but all eyes are on Peter who's wearing a pink Lacoste shirt, cargo pants and there's clearly products in his hair.

Joe's the one who breaks the silence. -So, I've been seeing this specialist and thanks to a new procedure there's a good chance I can get to walk again.-

Quagmire turns his attention from Peter to Joe. -Listen Joe. You don't have to speak for the sake of speaking. It's ok to just sit here and say nothing.-

Joe understands and apologies and Quagmire returns his glance to Peter. They continue to drink for a few seconds, then Quagmire explodes and yells at Peter.

-Ok Peter. Are you going to explain yourself or do we have to beat it out of you?!-

Cleveland joins in. -Yeah, why are you dressed like a homie-sexual?-

Quagmire, who considers himself a bit of an expert in these matters, have never heard that term before and needs to know.

-What the hell is a homie-sexual?-

Cutaway to two well-dressed black men meeting. They greet each other with a -Yo homie.- And initiate an elaborate pattern of fist bumps and high fives. They end the gesture by bumping their index-fingers together multiple times.

Back in the Clam, Quagmire is enlightened and offers Cleveland a giggity in return, before he turns the spotlight back on Peter.

-So Peter. What's the deal?-

Peter sighs loudly and decides to share the reason for his misery.

-Well, it's not easy. I know you guys see me as half God and half demi-God and that's why it's so hard for me to...-

Cleveland interrupts Peter with a desperate cry.

-I'm not good with this kind of weird math. Is he a God-and-a-half or is he three demigods in one mortal body?!-

Joe calmly answer his question. -He's a homie-sexual.-

Peter ignores the interruption and continues.

-What you're looking at here is basically the result of a clever plan backfiring. You see, me and Lois agreed to lie to the rest of the family that we have financial troubles and everyone below 4Ft needed to get jobs-

Quagmire looks a question mark. -Why would you do something like that?-

Cleveland looks worried. -Yeah Peter. You think it's a good idea to lie to your children?-

Joe just looks at his nails.

Peter goes on the offensive and challenges Cleveland. -Oh, so what did you tell your boy when he first asked where he came from?-

Cleveland knows Peter got a point and mumbles. -We told him he was a gift from Willy Wonka.-

Peter resumes to tell his story. -As to why we lied. Well that's where the backfiring commences. Understand that we have three friendless kids and a pet that thinks it's a writer and therefore never leaves the house. That's why we fabricated the story about being broke, so me and Lois could get some alone time.-

-So did it work?- Quagmire asked, curious about the true meaning of alone time.

-Like a charm. Peter said. -Haven't seen any of them for a week.-

Peter goes on to explain where the plan went sour.

-It started innocent enough, with hand-holding and walks around the neighborhood. But now she's become super-clingy.-

Quagmire offers to help in his own special way.

-I'll take some of that action, giggity.-

Peter declines the offer by pretending he didn't her it. -It soon escalated into her focusing all her time and energy on me -

and let me just tell you this; I don't hold up very well under the magnifying-glass. And so, she began to right the wrongs.-

-She did this to you?- Joe whispered fearfully. If this could happen to Peter it could happen to any of them, except quagmire who wasn't married and even if he was, properly wouldn't mind to much anyway.

Peter bursts into tears and moved a loafer attired foot out from under the table. -Look what I've become.- he cried, while his speechless friends could only stare at the decorative leather laces in disbelieve.

…

Lois is alone in the bedroom, painting her toenails, when Peter sticks his head through the door. -Lois, got a moment?-

Lois looks up from her toes and beams Peter a smile. -There's my partner in crime. I was wondering where you were.

Peter enters the bedroom but remains standing by the door

-I was just doing my nails for you, want to help, lover?- she asked seductively.

Peter does not want to help. It was what got him into the loafers to begin with.

-Lois I don't think it's a good idea to keep lying to the kids … eh, Tommy and the other's.-

-What's going on Peter?- Lois asked and resumed the paint-job. -We have a great thing going here with … eh, Tommy Jeb and Lisl out of the house.-

Peter dives into his quiver of poorly thought through arguments and pulls out another arrow. This one poisoned with exaggeration.

-I've recently had the privilege of networking with some very influential experts and opinion makers and they all agreed it is a bad thing we're doing.-

-Are those experts by any chance your friends. And the _networking_ just another word for drinking?- Lois replied patiently.

Peter looked busted. -Yes and yes. But it's not just the lying. It's also that we spend so much time together, doing your things, and it's making me feel emasculated.-

Peter scratches he's chin but discovers it missing. -See what you're doing to me?!-

Lois recognize there's a problem -So should we tell them the truth?-

Peter looks horrified. -You want to tell them we screwed them over? Lois sometimes I think you forget what vindictive little bastards we spawned. No, I think we better tell them one last lie. That way we won't have to worry about waking up with herpes.-

A look of suspicion creeps over Lois's face.

Yeah, I still maintain that had more to do with the company's Christmas party, then Stewie getting back at you for canceling the Home&Garden channel.-

Cutaway to Stewie in a lab coat, holding a vial and a Q-tip. -What? I'm just a baby.-

…

Meg Chris Brian and Stewie is in the living room.

Brian looks like he's having a nervous breakdown, rocking back and forth, absentminded and chain-smoking.

Meg and Chris are half asleep, while a relaxed Stewie is sitting on the floor working on his laptop.

Peter and Lois enters the living room hand in hand. Lois calls for their attention. -Ok every one, listen up. We have some good news to tell you.-

Stewie looks up from the computer with hope in his eyes. -We're getting the Home&Garden channel back?-

-Your father has won some money down the tracks so you don't have to work anymore.- Lois said, praying she'd avoid any follow-up-questions.

-Oh thanks god!- Brian sighed with relieve. -I am _not_ cut out for manual labor.-

Meg and Chris are equally happy to hear they're off the hook and dances around cheering.

Stewie is the only one unfazed by the news. He just keeps clicking away on his laptop as Lois and Peter sits down in the couch.

Brian is back to his usual self and asks. -So Peter. Where's that track you've been going to? I've never heard of any horse races in Quahog?-

Peter turns to Brian and gives him a curious look.-Really Brian? I thought this would be welcome news to you. So why are you poking at it? -

Brian decides it's probably best to let it go and sits down on the floor next to Stewie. -Man I'm glad that little experiment is over. That did not play out well for me.-

Stewie looks at him surprised. -What? Nooo! I think you did fantastic out there.-

That's not how Brian remembers his short stint into the real world. -Stewie, what are you talking about? Everything I touched was a complete failure.-

Stewie realizes how they're on different pages. -Oh, with the jobs you mean? Yeah that was a full-blown disaster. No I'm talking about my new video on Youtube.

See, after you left me to fend for myself in the park, thank you very much, I decided to follow you and document your unavoidable failure.-

Brian squirms. -Oh boy.-

Stewie however, is in an almighty good mood. -Wanna see it? … Wanna see it Bri?-

Brian appears nervy and uncomfortable. -No, that's fine… I just remembered I've got to..-

Unfortunately for Brian, the rest of the family does and Stewie starts the player. -I call it; Dumb-ass dog on duty.-

The video shows Brian walking down the street wearing a big sandwich sign reading: Family Guy – Get it while you can!

The theme from The Benny Hill show starts playing as Brian clearly can't control the sign and bumps into people and even knocks a man of his bike.

Then he tries to enter a bakery, but the sign is to wide and won't fit through the door.

Why he keeps ramming the sign into the door over and over again without ever figuring out what's stopping him.

Brian moans and gets up from the floor. -I'll be in Chris's closet if anybody needs me.-

Brian leaves the living groom downtrodden while the family continues to watch and laugh at Stewie's video.


End file.
